Choosing
I’m glad I signed up for this. It’ s proving very hard for
me, and every week I continue to post is a decided victory for me and my goals.
It is also making me think hard and dig deep into what I believe and why. I
chafe against having to tailor every post to my path and my spiritual life, but
then I remind myself I could post on anything else I felt like any other day of
the week.
I have a hard time answering when people ask me about my
faith if they want deeper answer than “Pagan.” I’ve heard the term “Cafeteria
Pagan” before but it’s always used in a slightly derogatory way. Same thing
with “Piece-meal Pagan.” But I’ve never been able to choose a defined path. I’ve
looked into Gardnerian Wicca, Feri, Asatru, a couple of the ancient religions
that have been reconstructed for modern times and Buddism, but none of them are
for me. They all, without fail, have something in them that I feel a resonance
with or for, but I always, ALWAYS, get a firm sensation of “NO” every time I
consider a structured path.
I don’t know if that means my path is my own and I just have
to continue to find the things that have resonance for me and do the best I can
with what I have, or if there is a path out there for me and I just haven’t
found it.
I’m not even sure some days if I really believe in the
Gods. Any of them, from any pantheon. I
believe with all my heart and soul that there is Something out there
beyond our understanding but I’ve never found a comfortable mask for it.
I want to believe in the Gods. I truly do. But I think part of my problem is—as
a fellow blogger says—either they all exist or none of them do. That leads to
some major brain twisting conflicts for me.
How can the Christian End of Days and Ragnarok be compatible? Wouldn’t it stand to reason that it can’t be
both of them? Is the world sandwiched
between Heaven and Hell or is it perched on the back of a turtle? I have so
many unanswerable questions. I wonder if I can’t chose a path because I can’t
decide what I believe is real. I also think “real” is subjective. This post
would have fit in well under belief as well, I’m noticing.
Years ago I joined an online pagan group and it was fascinating
to me. I was there to learn and I felt
like such a rank novice standing among the truly knowledgeable. I know
differently now, but I drank in every post and wondered why I couldn’t find a
God to have a close personal relationship with of my own.
I’ve had interesting experiences over the years, but nothing
has ever pointed me in any clear direction.
Some days, honestly, I’d rather just have my late great grandmother
whisper advice to me. Once I even lay in bed saying thanks for a wonderful day
and clear as a bell, I heard a female voice say “don’t thank me I didn’t do
anything.” I’ve always wondered who that was. She never spoke to me again
although she sounded kind of grumpy so that may be a good thing.
I want Odin and Ganesh to be real because I feel drawn to them. I
want the Morrigan and Baron Samedi and Kwan Yin to all be real for the same
reason. I want to be a follower of
Hecate. She has always fascinated me. But I feel like I have to believe things
that I just don’t to be able to devote myself to their worship. I can’t chose because I can’t decide.
I hope that by the end of this blog project I will have
unraveled this knot for myself and be able to choose a path. Or accept that I’m on my own path and that is
okay too. December is a long way away
from today though and I have to get ready for work.
Well, maybe for now, you could be an Agnostic Pagan--You know there's something, but it doesn't quite have a name. I don't know that all Pagans believe in the Gods, as there's different interpretations of "Pagan". Eventually, you'll figure something out that fits you.
ReplyDeleteOh I do like that! I think I may try that one on for a bit while I make my way. It makes a great answer anyway. I'm not asked often, but I do like to have a sensible response. Thank you very much and thanks for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it.
DeleteI have a friend who's been a witch for 40+ years and doesn't believe in the Gods. She believes in the Universal Spirit, as that is how her Gran taught her. You can still ask the Gods to assist if you feel the need, but belief behind it does come in handy.
ReplyDeleteI hate titles and the pressure we feel from the pagan community to have a title...it drives me nuts!
I often wonder why I care about definitions and titles. Some days I care more than others, but I guess it's like an itch that can't be scratched adequately. I want to _know_, you know? Sadly, I think some things are only made clear on the other side of the veil.
DeleteThanks for stopping by! I appreciate it.
Hi, Jennifer! I started to post a response to your essay, but it quickly turned into something else and shortly after that morphed into my next entry for the Pagan Blog Project. It's just too much to paste here, so I've included a link: http://jamesbulls.blogspot.ca/2014/02/c-is-for-correspondence.html
ReplyDeleteMuch thanks for the inspiration!
Wow, you're welcome. I've never inspired a blog post before that I'm aware of. I hopped over and read it. Very nice. It's a lot to chew on for me, but I'm still at the beginning of this interesting road.
DeleteSometimes, we need to let life happen, and just watch... after a while we see what we must. The gods, the universe, spirituality, energy... comes in so many shapes, Jennifer. Perhaps the shape you see the universe is not yet labeled, you know?
ReplyDeleteHello Magaly! I'm honored you stopped by! Glad I cleaned up the place a bit. *grins* You are probably right, I tend to be a tad impatient. It's hard not to yearn for a definite answer though. It occurs to me that the lesson I'm supposed to be learning right now might be patience.
Delete