Nothing quite like being completely behind the eight ball straight out of the gate. *sigh* But things happen and I just have to roll with them. I had this post mostly prepared, but got sidelined by an unexpected illness last night. (are any illnesses really expected?) Here is the the post I started yesterday and finished today. I hope it still counts.
In an effort to both blog more this year and take a more dedicated interest in my Path I have joined up with the Pagan Blog Project.
I'm nervous and excited. I look at some of the other posts that have already hit the blog-o-sphere and I feel completely out of my depth. But I'm determined to not let that stop me.
So the Pagan Blog Project is going to run for the entire year. This week, of course, begins at the beginning with A, but since there are 52 weeks and 26 letters two weeks will be dedicated to the same letter.
I decided to start off the project with Acceptance. I am happy in my faith choice (I am a non-denominational Pagan with leanings to Animism, Wicca, and a couple other traditions) and I feel that I am on the right path for me. BUT. (always a but, isn't there?) I worry about my family, friends, and co-workers reactions. I am what I am, but that doesn't mean I say much about it to people if I'm not sure how they will react. Lately I have been talking more openly with a couple of co-workers and I have been very gratified by their lack of reaction.
See...I'm a worrier from way back and I waste entirely too much time and energy trying to be ready for any possible reaction I could get from people. For someone who seems to always be running behind, I still always try to be prepared for any situation.
To my family on Facebook who may follow the link back here and see my blog for the very first time...HI! I love you and I'm Pagan. Same goes for my co-workers, but I probably love you less than the family. *grins*
Acceptance
My cousin Angela, was braver than I. Little shit. She lived out loud. She was Pagan and Proud and went to coven gatherings and just did her thing. I was so proud of her and secretly wished that I too, could be so out and brave. When she died, her coven and her friends organized her memorial service in a Wiccan way--because she was Wiccan. My very Catholic extended family wasn't sure what to make of this. I heard several really crappy comments and coward that I was, I didn't speak up and say "HEY! stop that! She has the right to be sent on in any way she chooses."
It was a very nice ceremony with people speaking and several lovely songs being sung. I was crying too hard to sing along, but I appreciated it. I find myself swallowing back tears now as I type this. I miss that kid. A lot. I remember looking back at one point and most of the extended family had slipped out and was gone. I was stunned. Would they have done that if she had decided to be Jewish? What about Buddhist? Somehow I doubt it. They would have been a little out of sorts, I'm sure, but they wouldn't have just up and left the service.
Even my father made crappy comments about bullshit, made-up religions and I had several opportunities to speak up and say that I agreed with her and that I believed a lot of what she believed. Instead I made soothing sounds and played mediator. I tried to impart information without outing myself. I regret that now.
So that is why this post is about acceptance. I hope to find it. Mostly from myself, I think, but from family and friends would be nice too. I am what I am and I'm happy with my choices, but I want my family to be happy for me too. I want Angela to be proud of me if she can see me from whatever lies beyond death. She was brave and I can be too.
~*~
It is very difficult to swim against the family stream. Don't be too hard on yourself, though. Sometimes, people who seem courageous (I am always being told I am brave, for instance), are that way by default. Not a 'real' choice….I was criticized, beaten, punished no matter WHAT I did/thought/felt. So, finally, in defiance I just went my own way because I was pretty certain there was no reward in kowtowing either!
ReplyDeleteThe biggest thing to accept is yourself, of course…as you are by not only your choice, but by what your associations make of you.
I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply! I must have missed the alert. It wasn't until the comment below appeared last night that I saw this. Yeesh.
DeleteI accept my self wholly (far as I can tell anyway) the next hard step for me is owning it in the face of others, be they family, friends, or coworkers.
I have become more careful over the last few years with my associations because of how they can reflect. After a 14 year friendship ended abruptly and badly I have taken a closer look at things I was blind to for a very long time.
The neighbor on the hill behind me, recently had some mail of Judy, the good neighbor behind me. He brought it down to her. They have never met in the years while here. In lieu of saying hi, nice to meet you, etc. He pops off about whether she knew me and what a horrible color I painted the house.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to go on a limb and say that if some people are appalled through color choices, they may not enjoy dancing about a fire ring in the yard either.
:) Im waiting on the soil to warm a bit so I can dig up the cob and start making 10ft tall cob statues of Buddha, Shiva, Elephants, and Hot female forms of Gaia. :)
Give them something to look at while driving down from the Casinos.
Oh my. Are you really? You are really going to endear yourself to the local busybodies. *grins big* And what exactly is a cob statue? I must Google!
DeleteI like the color of your house! I think it's a bright, cheery, happy color.
I look for your Christmas lights every time I'm driving home and it's after dark.
An ex and I used to go to this Unitarian Universalist church in Syracuse. I liked it. It often had a pagan flair to it along with drumming.
ReplyDelete